I believe.. I guess.

Hi there!

I will tell you about how I felt weirdly connected to Allah, in one week, by three..we could call them signs? Maybe. An incredibly great feeling that I have not felt in .. so long. Honestly, I have no idea what did I do to deserve it. I have no idea why.

Around.. two weeks ago, perhaps 10 days, I coincidentally met a Qura'an teacher, one of many that I tried to keep up with but eventually failed. She was actually the one who noticed me, it's been more than I year since I last saw her, I was really surprised she remembered me.
It happened after I had my oral french exam, I finished early and I wanted to catch el-Maghrib prayer. I went inside the masjid, there was a lesson already there, around 10 women or more around a table and discussing something related to women's work. I ignored them, and just prayed. After I finished, a woman among them called me and said "Come here, come listen to the lesson with us and take thawab." I joined, hesitantly and embarrassed that I knew none of them except her.

They were discussing women's rights in Islam. I didn't understand much as I wasn't there from the beginning, but I listened anyway. Then, my teacher took my aside, and asked me to read the first quarter of the first hezb from Al-Baqarah, and I did. She then advised me to memorize it and to come next week to recite it and attend the lesson. Which was pretty convenient actually, because the exams of the french course were just finished and am free for couple of Sundays.

Then we prayed Al-Eisha prayer, the sheikh read the following ayat from An-Nisaa':

" إِنَّ الْمُنَافِقِينَ يُخَادِعُونَ اللَّهَ وَهُوَ خَادِعُهُمْ وَإِذَا قَامُوا إِلَى الصَّلَاةِ قَامُوا كُسَالَى يُرَاءُونَ النَّاسَ وَلَا يَذْكُرُونَ اللَّهَ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا (142) مُذَبْذَبِينَ بَيْنَ ذَلِكَ لَا إِلَى هَؤُلَاءِ وَلَا إِلَى هَؤُلَاءِ وَمَنْ يُضْلِلِ اللَّهُ فَلَنْ تَجِدَ لَهُ سَبِيلًا (143)"

"Indeed, the hypocrites [think to] deceive Allah, but He is deceiving them. And when they stand for prayer, they stand lazily, showing [themselves to] the people and not remembering Allah except a little, Wavering between them, [belonging] neither to the believers nor to the disbelievers. And whoever Allah leaves astray - never will you find for him a way. "

Translated from "https://quran.com/4/142-152"

And that was the first of the signs.

A week later, I went again to the same masjid, early as I could. The lady from the lesson listened to my recite from Al-Baqara, I only managed to recite the first two pages. I told her I could revise whatever they are revising now, not necessarily Al-Baqarah. She said no, no, it's okay, each one here can revise whatever she desires :) !. That was just perfect.

Then, we had the lesson. Now,  since I attended from the beginning, I got to understand better than last time. It was actually very interesting. A lot of new information I got about women's right in Islam and a lot other were wrong and mistakenly perceived by people. It was a really interesting book, I intend to buy one day inshallah.

Then, we got for Al-Maghrib prayer. Which verses shall the sheikh recite this day I wonder? 

It was my very favorite one :). Ad-Doha translated: "The Morning Hours".

"بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ

وَالضُّحَى (1) وَاللَّيْلِ إِذَا سَجَى (2) مَا وَدَّعَكَ رَبُّكَ وَمَا قَلَى (3) وَلَلْآخِرَةُ خَيْرٌ لَكَ مِنَ الْأُولَى (4) وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَى (5) أَلَمْ يَجِدْكَ يَتِيمًا فَآوَى (6) وَوَجَدَكَ ضَالًّا فَهَدَى (7) وَوَجَدَكَ عَائِلًا فَأَغْنَى (8) فَأَمَّا الْيَتِيمَ فَلَا تَقْهَرْ (9) وَأَمَّا السَّائِلَ فَلَا تَنْهَرْ (10) وَأَمَّا بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ فَحَدِّثْ (11)"

"By the morning brightness, 

And [by] the night when it covers with darkness,

Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].

And the Hereafter is better for you than the first [life].

And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.

Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge?

And He found you lost and guided [you],

And He found you poor and made [you] self-sufficient.

So as for the orphan, do not oppress [him].

And as for the petitioner, do not repel [him].

But as for the favor of your Lord, report [it]."

Translated from "https://quran.com/93"

And that was the 2nd of the signs.

The next day, I saw someone, and within myself I wished to be free like her. Within myself, within my own mind, I literally thought "I want that. I want to wear whatever I want like her.". I never felt that before, I never thought of that before, I don't know why.

At the very same moment, the very same instant my mobile flashed with a new msg from my teacher: "I will meet you next Sunday, sweetheart." 

And that was the 3rd sign.

God, Allah, wherever you are, I have been lost for so long. I am trying, as much as I could, to reach you. To do what is "good" for the sake of being "good" and for all I want is to receive some "good" back.

Allah, I have been lost for longer than I can remember or maybe I do remember. I know you are there, I know you are with me, in every little step I take, I can definitely feel it. Somehow I feel it. Am just so angry, god. I am so angry and confused. 

Thank you, for whenever I lose faith, whenever I start to give up, you give me signs. Even if these are not really signs, even if these are not true. I would like to believe they are.

So, I believe.. I guess.