No Longer Wishing to be the Opposite Gender
"I wish I were a boy!"
That was one of my most repetitive sentences during my childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. Many girls wished that too, as if it was a solution to many of their obstacles or society created problems. I was always told by close people, family, and society that men can do it better. Or, men can have it easier. "You are not a guy, forget about it." , "Only guys can do so.", "When you get married, do what you want."
I was not raised to embrace my womanhood. I was basically raised against it, or maybe that's what I concluded in the past years. I never felt at ease being a girl. I was always scared in the streets of the looks of men at my body. Or some trash words they throw at me, just to feel superior. No matter how you complain about it, I was always mistaken in the eyes of my family or people around me. "You should not wear that.", "You should not have walked through this street.", "You should not come back home late, that is why.", "Why were you walking alone and not with your friends?"
Endless questions, endless justifications..
I never liked dresses or skirts. I always wore baggy clothes, and always made sure they were not "tight".
I played with baby guns, read books, and suppressed my feelings as a teenager as much as possible.
I should not have a crush, or feelings for any boy of course. But, yeah, boys can, because they cannot freaking be mistaken of course.
"A girl who have feelings for someone at this age, is not a good girl."
It took me 10 years.. maybe more.. to realize and truly believe, that all of this was nonsense.
I owe it to my therapist, who heard me, heard all the weird and non-related stuff I said, then lead me to see what we deserve, what happens through the teenage years, and how to deal with my various emotions and anxieties.
I remember once I told her, that I kept having nightmares, for continuous days, about being raped, and standing helpless. I hated being a girl so much, because a girl is always susceptible to rape. Then I grew up, to realize, that men actually can be rapped, mugged, beaten, just as the girl. Unless they are some kind of a fighter.
But, now..
It's different :) !
I realized how much am proud of my gender, I realized that I was not the only one under pressure.
That, actually men are almost under the same pressure of a different kind.
"Don't wear that, that color is for girls.", "Are you scared of your mum?", "Men don't cry!", "Don't say that, you are not a girl, such a drama queen", "You are now the man of this house, you have responsibility!" , "Don't show your feelings, be a man!"
And so many other nonsense..
It is not the mistake of a gender. It is a whole corrupted society.
I am proud to be me.
And I will borrow one of my favorite quotes from a children's book:
"So, jetzt weiß ich, wer ich bin!
Kennt ihr mich?
ICH BIN ICH!"
That was one of my most repetitive sentences during my childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. Many girls wished that too, as if it was a solution to many of their obstacles or society created problems. I was always told by close people, family, and society that men can do it better. Or, men can have it easier. "You are not a guy, forget about it." , "Only guys can do so.", "When you get married, do what you want."
I was not raised to embrace my womanhood. I was basically raised against it, or maybe that's what I concluded in the past years. I never felt at ease being a girl. I was always scared in the streets of the looks of men at my body. Or some trash words they throw at me, just to feel superior. No matter how you complain about it, I was always mistaken in the eyes of my family or people around me. "You should not wear that.", "You should not have walked through this street.", "You should not come back home late, that is why.", "Why were you walking alone and not with your friends?"
Endless questions, endless justifications..
I never liked dresses or skirts. I always wore baggy clothes, and always made sure they were not "tight".
I played with baby guns, read books, and suppressed my feelings as a teenager as much as possible.
I should not have a crush, or feelings for any boy of course. But, yeah, boys can, because they cannot freaking be mistaken of course.
"A girl who have feelings for someone at this age, is not a good girl."
It took me 10 years.. maybe more.. to realize and truly believe, that all of this was nonsense.
I owe it to my therapist, who heard me, heard all the weird and non-related stuff I said, then lead me to see what we deserve, what happens through the teenage years, and how to deal with my various emotions and anxieties.
I remember once I told her, that I kept having nightmares, for continuous days, about being raped, and standing helpless. I hated being a girl so much, because a girl is always susceptible to rape. Then I grew up, to realize, that men actually can be rapped, mugged, beaten, just as the girl. Unless they are some kind of a fighter.
But, now..
It's different :) !
I realized how much am proud of my gender, I realized that I was not the only one under pressure.
That, actually men are almost under the same pressure of a different kind.
"Don't wear that, that color is for girls.", "Are you scared of your mum?", "Men don't cry!", "Don't say that, you are not a girl, such a drama queen", "You are now the man of this house, you have responsibility!" , "Don't show your feelings, be a man!"
And so many other nonsense..
It is not the mistake of a gender. It is a whole corrupted society.
I am proud to be me.
And I will borrow one of my favorite quotes from a children's book:
"So, jetzt weiß ich, wer ich bin!
Kennt ihr mich?
ICH BIN ICH!"
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