Yushka and Shrouk's uncertainty principal

 "I am gonna get a cat!" one of the random decisions that I usually take. But, I did my research of course. Types, food, age, how to get a cat, difference between adopting & buying a cat.

As usual. I thought of all the possible pros & cons. Of course I would miss a lot. The name was decided before even knowing whether am getting a male or female cat. Yushka. It is a subset, of the Russian name "matryoshka", which is the name of the Russian doll that usually consists of 7 dolls inside each others.

 Why you ask? Because of two reasons. 

One: it is a common saying in Egypt that a cat has 7 souls. Unlike How it is common in the western culture that a cat has 9 souls. 

Two: one day I would to like to have a dog and name it Matrix. So, Matrix & Yushka → Matryoshka.

I asked on Twitter how to get a cat and my friend lead me to her sister who can help in that. I contacted her last June and within two days she told me about a 2 month old male cat for adoption. I agreed instantly & the next day I passed by to take this cutie to his new home. And here began our Journey = )

The first couple of days were devastating. I am not used at all that anyone could mess with my very organized stuff. Let alone play with them and even break them. He was shy for the first day, then after that he started to explore every single little detail in my room. And hell! My room is full of details!

I kept telling him “No!” and screamed a lot at him to leave my stuff or to not make any mess. The weird thoughts crawled to my sick mind, in the worst way possible. I thought am a terrible person who cannot even be kind to a cat. That I would be a terrible mother, and a terrible human being. I remembered the many times that my mum screamed at me or yelled for stupid reasons. I thought I was a just another picture of her. An extension to the cruelty that runs in the family. I decided to give him up if that feeling didn’t go in a week. 

After a lot of discussions with my friend and my therapist, I realized step by step that any relation between any two beings is built upon exactly this. A mix between commons and uncommons in their characters. By time, I got used to his messing around and he got used to what angers me. He knew what to play with and what to not. I knew what he likes to play with and compromised some of my stuff for him as toys.

Then he got really sick with a canola in his arms for three days. Again, I was hit by the thought of being a terrible human being and a careless caretaker, that I don’t deserve him and maybe I could be a reason for his death. The ideas of giving him up came back to the surface. But then he got better and things were normal again. 

Around a month later, I was about to travel for business, I planned with one of my friends to host him until am back. Then he got sick again and I felt guilty for leaving him. On the day the visa was ready, I knew that I will not be traveling and I was extremely thankful. The feeling was different this time. I was thankful of being in his life to take care of him and keep him company while he is sick. Unfortunately this time was even worse. He had to be admitted in the hospital for 5 days. I went to visit him everyday until he was out safely. 

After that, I told my therapist in a very confident way “ I love Yushka so much. I am glad I didn’t give him up, I am so glad I got the opportunity to be in his life and to take care of him. I wouldn’t let anything bad happens to him, and if it happens, I do my best to make him feel better. I could be a good mother.”

In no way, am I comparing motherhood to raising a cat. Definitely, motherhood is in a total different level of sacrifice, effort, and endless sleepless nights. I am simply venting out how raising Yushka made me feel about myself and the reflect of that on my relationship with my own mother.

The uncertainty of keeping Yushka was certain. And the uncertainty of me being a good mother is on its way.

Below is a poor trial to draw my beloved Yushka. ♥️